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Ethically open
Loving consciously
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Ethically open

Ethically open

For those aiming to love openly,
consciously, and with integrity

Blogposts

Comparing in polyamorous relationships ethically-open

Why comparing yourself to others isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Polyamory/Non-monogamy
Reader questions
Fear of abandonment polyamory

How do you deal with a fear of abandonment?

Attachment
Polyamory/Non-monogamy
Reader questions
Hierarchy in polyamory

Hierarchy between relationships

Polyamory/Non-monogamy
Reader questions
polyamory friendly therapist anlacan

To fellow therapists: ethical non-monogamy is a valid way of relating

For therapists
Polyamory/Non-monogamy
Creating safety for honesty in ethical open relationships

Creating safety for honesty in ethically open relationships

Polyamory/Non-monogamy

Instagram posts

Withdrawers often get misunderstood. They're paint Withdrawers often get misunderstood. They're painted as uncaring or cold - when really, they're often the ones who just learned very early on that they *had* to take care of themselves and not rely on others. Needing others triggered punishment or rejection. 

So they adapted by turning *inward*, by suppressing emotion. Inside every withdrawer is a nervous system that wants closeness, but braces for failure. They often carry the quiet fear:

"If I try, I'll do it wrong. If I stay silent, maybe I'll do less harm.”

So they go quiet.
They create space.

When we stop pathologizing withdrawal, we start seeing the intelligence behind the distance.

First and foremost, someone needs to be willing to look at and own their own patterns. 
Second, when they experience enough relational safety to gently, consistently, and without shame, be invited back in... 

their presence will be steady, deep, and fiercely loyal.

#avoidantattachment #withdrawer #emotionallyfocusedtherapy
Attachment styles are intelligent strategies your Attachment styles are intelligent strategies your nervous system developed in response to how available those around you were. 

You learned to reach with confidence, protect with anger, shut down, criticize... all in ways that *used* to work. If you had safe others, you learned to trust love and connection. If people around you weren't quite safe, you learned to adjust. This is your system adjusting to its environment intelligently. 

You needed to become who you are today to survive where you came from. It's only when these ways of survival become rigid and fixed, that perhaps they don't serve you any more. 

With understanding, self-compassion, and safe others around you, you can grow your secure attachment. 

#attachment #eft #attachmentstyles #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment #secureattachment #fearfulavoidantattachment #polyamory #ethicalrelating #monogamy
As humans we're biologically wired for connection. As humans we're biologically wired for connection. Secure attachment means we can count on someone to be there - emotionally, consistently, and without having to earn it. 

With secure attachment our nervous systems relax, we feel safe and seen, and we can rest at home and explore the world. This type of connection is not limited to #monogamy, but can exist across multiple relationships, whether #polyamory, #enm, or with friends or family.

#attachment #secureattachment #eft
Interoception is your brain receiving information Interoception is your brain receiving information about your body’s internal state, such as hunger, an ache or an itch somewhere, or a tightness in your chest. Knowing what is going on inside your own body is important, not just to recognize that you’re thirsty and should drink some water, or that you’re holding a pan that is too hot and you should let go, but also to know what emotions you are actually feeling and what actions you should take.

Levels of interoception differ from person to person. Whereas one person might understand exactly that the dark pit in her stomach means that she is sad and lonely and that she should reach out to friends for support, another person might walk around for days with a general, vague bad feeling. If you don’t learn how to recognize and specify your internal cues, you also won’t know what is truly going on inside yourself and what you’re supposed to do about it.

You can heighten your awareness of your internal cues by spending some moments a day to scan your body. What do you actually feel right now? Do you notice tension anwyhere, maybe in your shoulders, chest or stomach? Is that tension compressed, tight, dark, heavy? Do you know what happiness feels like in your body, and do you notice how anger and sadness feel differently in your body? Many people notice that when they’re angry, for instance, they might feel a hotness in their hands, an energy-surge from within preparing them for action. This makes a lot of sense, since anger is often about the trespassing of boundaries and fighting for what’s important.

Becoming more and more specific in your observations, learn to get to know yourself intimately. You might want to browse for full body meditations (by Plum village for instance), to guide you through a body-scan. When you feel something, spend some time to discover where in your body you feel these emotions. Being able to just observe your emotions without engaging in the thoughts surrounding them, will also help you process these emotions and see their messages more clearly.

#ethicalnonmonogamy #polyamory #ENM #therapistsofinstagram #interoception #psychologistsofinstagram
In order to communicate effectively about your nee In order to communicate effectively about your needs and boundaries, you need to know yourself intimately. Knowing exactly what you're feeling, what's important to you and why, what is scary to you and what you need in order to feel nourished, is essential. Otherwise you might get stuck in confusion,  vagueness and blaming, or you might run around in circles of anxiety, never really getting to the core of yourself and what you need.

#polyamory #ethicalnonmonogamy #ENM #ethicallyopen #therapistsofinstagram #selfknowledge #relationships
Someone who is ENM is 𝐍𝐎𝐓 by definition l Someone who is ENM is 𝐍𝐎𝐓 by definition less committed to their partner(s), nor is the relationship more superficial, less valuable or expendable. 

Commitment to creating the most rich life that you and your partner(s) can have, throwing away life-long learned paradigms to create brand new ones while society stands at the ready to judge you, a dedication to expand your love and face inner demons, a desire to fully see your partner and enthusiastically celebrate them for who they really are, a willingness to communicate honestly and openly, striving to communicate needs and boundaries clearly and over and over again, wanting to grow together, a desire to be your partners' safe haven and secure base, wanting to love your partner so that they feel absolutely adored and loved 𝘢𝘯𝘥 free... 

Ethical non-monogamy is *𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥* of commitment. It is just not to a monogamous relationship structure. 

#ethicalnonmonogamy #ENM #polyamory #debunkingpolyamorymyths #polyamorymisconceptions #ethicallyopen
#openrelating #therapistsofinstagram #relationshiptherapist
To be in an relationship means to build trust and To be in an relationship means to build trust and vulnerability. Lies break those down. Whether or not someone decides to speak the truth, is ultimately someone's own choice. When someone lies, it is tempting to take the moral high ground and to attribute a lie to a flaw of character. However, what we often fail to see is that the safe space in which truth can thrive, needs to be co-created. Especially in ethically open relationships, where transparency and complete honesty are absolutely crucial, we want to create a nourishing environment for the truth to be able to flourish.

What helps create safety in ENM relationships?
-commit to see the good in your partner(s), and recognize that their needs are as valid as your own
-own your own needs and triggers, and ask for clear support
-nourish the courage to speak the truth, even when it is really scary. 

Full article here: https://ethically-open.com/creating-safety-for-honesty-in-ethically-open-relationships

#polyamory #ENM #ethicalnonmonogamy #ethicallyopen #honesty #safety #opencommunication #openrelating #relationshipadvice #therapistsofinstagram
So often I hear from new clients that they've gone So often I hear from new clients that they've gone to other therapists, and felt judged or pathologized for wanting an ethically non-monogamous relationship structure.
 
As a therapist, of course you have your client's best interest at heart.
We want to help people heal, improve the quality of their lives and well-being.
We want to guide people from unhealthy behavior that no longer contributes to their wellbeing, to healthy, sustainable forms of behavior.
 
To get to 'healthy', you need to have a definition of what healthy is. You need to have a theory about what unhealthy behavior is. But being health care providers, we also have the responsibility to recognize that there are varying ways to fulfill human needs. We all operate within a set of values and norms just like every other single person on this planet. There's no way around it. The culture and society we grow up in colors us, instills in us right and wrong. But as therapists it is our job and our responsibility to create awareness of our own blind spots and the context in which we operate. It's our responsibility to know our own limits and boundaries.
 
When you notice that you are judging clients for life choices that feel right and good to them, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 refer them out to therapists who are not biased against these lifestyles, and consider educating yourself on ethical non-monogamy. Polyfriendly.org is a good resource to refer to.
Coming to therapy is already such a huge step.
𝗣𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱𝘀 𝘁𝗼.
 
If you are a therapist who is genuinely open to, and experienced in working with ENM, I'd love to hear from you!
 
Full article on this topic soon, on www.ethically-open.com

#therapistsofinstagram #polyamory #ethicalnonmonogamy #ENM #loveislove #consensualnonmonogamy #attachment
Welcome to ethically open!   I work in private pr Welcome to ethically open!
 
I work in private practice as a psychologist and specialize in relationship therapy. I aim to promote understanding, safety and acceptance for people creating their own shape of love.
 
Where monogamy is widely accepted, there is still a lot of prejudice and judgement around anything that differs from this narrative. People who are in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, or who are considering one, likely face additional challenges. One of those challenges is that it is still rare to find psychologists and relationship therapists who are polyamory-informed. In the worst case scenario, people encounter judgement or prejudice from the very specialists they are turning towards for support.
 
My aim is to normalize 𝗮𝗹𝗹 ethical relationship structures. There is more than one way to structure a relationship, and love in a way that is healthy, ethical and nourishing.
My opinion is informed by my work as a psychologist, by attachment science, and by experiences from my own life.
 
𝘔𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱.

My main message to you?
𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘃𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀.

#relationships #psychology #attachment #polyamory #ethicalnonmonogamy #ambiamory #monogamy #loveislove
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ARTICLE-CATEGORIES
  • Attachment 1
  • For therapists 1
  • Polyamory/Non-monogamy 5
  • Reader questions 3
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