In this series I answer questions posed by a student association in the Netherlands.
Question: Is it possible not to compare yourself to a third person?
As humans, we use the world around us to understand where you are, who you are, what you are. This is ingrained in our brain. So it is not strange if you compare yourself with other people around you. The question is; what are you doing with this?
It is often not helpful if you compare yourself with someone else, and then pass a negative judgment on yourself. “That person is so good at playing guitar, and I am not good at it.” “That person has such beautiful qualities that I don’t have, I’m not good enough.”
Instead of comparing yourself to someone else and thereby making a value judgment about yourself, try to recognize the value and inspiration you find in the other person. We often find something beautiful in the other, because it touches or inspires something in us.
“That person plays the guitar so beautifully, I admire that and I want to do that for myself. I’m going to practice more!”
“They go to the theater together so often. I think that would be really fun to do together!”
Do you find yourself comparing yourself to your meta (your partner’s partner), or to someone else?
It’s tempting to form an unrealistic ideal of your meta if we don’t know that person well. Your partner’s partner can then become kind of a personification of your worst fears. Suddenly the other person seems perfect. Much more beautiful, much more exciting, more intelligent… they seem to be everything that you tell yourself you are not. And promptly you forget how special you are. How valuable you yourself are and everything that is unique and special about you.
You don’t have to be like anyone else on this planet.
You are truly beautiful the way you are.
If a comparison with another evokes pain, it may be that it touches something in ourselves that we actually want in life. Maybe you’ve always wanted to do something with music, but let it go. And now that other person is a phenomenal musician…
When you look at others, look for the inspiration you feel, like little flashlights that can show you what else you might like to develop or learn in life. But always realize that you are good enough. That you don’t have to be anyone else. Also don’t forget that the other person is also ‘just’ a person, with their own fears and insecurities, their own imperfections, and their own hopes and need for love.
Do you find yourself comparing the relationship between you and your partner to your partner’s other relationship?
Your relationship with your partner is unique because of what you have together, just as your relationship with each of your friends or family members is unique. What is unique about your relationship to you? Perhaps you can ask your partner to share what makes you and your relationship special to them.
In monogamous relationships, people derive “uniqueness” from the fact that they only share romantic/sexual intimacy with each other. In polyamorous relationships, you need to redefine this, and it’s important to consciously reflect on what makes your relationship special to each other.
Are you jealous of a specific part they share in their relationship? Maybe this will reveal something about what you also want more of in the relationship. Ultimately, you don’t want your relationships to be exactly alike, you want each of your unique needs to be fulfilled in the relationship.
Together we can make sure we all feel safe and loved, and celebrate the richness and the uniqueness of each person and relationship.