In this series I answer questions posed by a student association in the Netherlands.
Question: Could you share how to go about hierarchy between relationships? How do you advise people to deal with this, and are there things people should take into consideration?
A hierarchical relationship in polyamory refers to a relationship that is seen as more important than other existing relationships, and is given priority over other relationships. For example, someone can be considered a ‘primary’ partner, who is then the first to be involved in important life decisions such as when considering where to move, vacation plans, time allocation, etc.
This type of hierarchy could have been consciously chosen by partners, with the intention to keep it that way. Many people choosing this form of relating like the feeling that there is one person with whom they feel they are always first priority. Other partners (possibly called ‘secondary’ partners) are partners with whom people do relate romantically/sexually/otherwise, but towards whom people might have less romantic/emotional commitment, spend less time with, who are less involved in important life choices, or who probably have less ‘rights’.
People who are primary partners of each other might often determine mutual rules with each other, pertaining to how they may relate to others. For example: with whom can you perform which sexual acts, or how much feeling is each partner allowed to develop for others?
When making such rules, people could ask themselves if:
-the rules are realistic and clear,
-the rules are loving towards everyone involved, realizing that the ‘third’ person is also only human, and deserving of kindness and fairness
-there is a way to have the underlying need met in a way that focusses on what you need, rather than what your partner is not allowed to do.
The challenges of hierarchical relationships like these include that other relationships are kept small and limited artificially, which can become extremely painful to everybody involved if it turns out that feelings don’t always neatly follow rules.
When your partner is the one who is developing more feelings for someone else than you had anticipated, it can become a painful revelation and feel like a betrayal when that partner isn’t able to ‘control’ their feelings.
When you are the one who developed more feelings for someone than you had anticipated yourself, it can be tremendously sad and painful if you’re asked to cut that connection short. Partners who have had to prematurely end their new connections might develop resentment towards their existing partners.
If you are going to relate with someone who is already in a “primary” relationship, it is important to ask carefully how much room there is for you and for the relationship to grow in the future. If there is little space, then realize that having to fight for your place can be very tiring, and you deserve to be welcomed fully into someone’s life.
Hierarchical relationships can work well if this way of relating is truly fulfilling the needs of everybody involved, and if the relationship is allowed to grow along with the people who are in the relationship.
It is also possible that people do not by definition want to prioritize one partner, but that the reality is that someone does live with a partner, for example. It is inevitable that a certain hierarchy will arise just from living together and sharing financial responsibilities. Polyamorists who want to see each partner as an equal partner and who do not want to automatically prioritize one partner over the other, are more likely to refer to the partners with whom they share more resources and responsibilities as “anchor partner” (or “nesting partner” when cohabiting), rather than “primary partner”.
In the end we all choose and prioritize people and goals according to our needs and desires. Do you want to automatically prioritize a certain relationship, or do you want to feel the space to be able to feel into the moment and into your feelings, so that you can determine together with everybody involved what is best for you and those you love?
There is not one relationship structure that is inherently more meaningful, beautiful, right or valid. You get to feel what your needs and boundaries are, and you are the one to decide (together with those you love), how you want to structure your relationships. Making sure it is a conscious decision will help you lead the life you truly want.