In this series I answer questions posed by a student association in the Netherlands.
Question: How do you deal with a fear of abandonment?
It can be so vulnerable to love someone. It makes so much sense that you don’t want to lose this special person. To be in love can always be scary, and can become even scarier in polyamorous relationships. It is important to recognize that behind your fear of losing the other person is something beautiful: there’s love, and the feeling of not wanting to lose them. It’s important not to be too hard on yourself, to not judge yourself for this fear.
Perhaps you can check in with yourself where this fear comes from. Are you afraid that you’re not enough? Do you have a deep sense that you are ultimately alone in the world? What are your beliefs about yourself, and about the world? Looking at these beliefs means entering into deep processes that are not always easy to grasp. Going into therapy can help with this. We all build up certain beliefs about the world based on specific experiences in our lives. It is important to learn to see your beliefs, and to know how they limit or empower you. Only when you get to know yourself and your own fears intimately can you know how to combat these fears.
Know that in healthy relationships, your partner will want to support you. In a secure relationship, your partner is there for you and wants to take care of you (within the scope of what that person can give). If you know what your fear is, you can ask for targeted support. When you are most afraid, what do you need? What do you want to hear? What do you want to feel? It is important to take ownership of this and to ask for concrete support. An example might be: “I need you to say we’ll get through this together and that you’ll be there when I get home.” Or: “I need you to say you love me, and not just give up on me”. Or maybe you just need a warm hug, or some alone time, or a little message when your partner is on a date.
It is also important not to put all responsibility for your feelings on your partner, but also to ask yourself what you can do to take care of your own feelings. First, ask yourself whether you are able to take in the support your partner is giving you. If they say they care about you, are you able to take in that care? Or do you have blocks within yourself that prevent you from believing your partner? If so, then it is essential that you work on those blocks.
You can also ask yourself how you can take good care of yourself. What gives you energy and nourishes you? Is that exercising, spending time with friends, writing down your thoughts? Ideally, you both take care of yourself, as have a loving network around you who all also take care of you.
Finally, you can ask yourself whether what you are asking of your partner is realistic, kind, clear and loving. Asking your partner to always give up on their dates with another partner and always put the other partner in second place whenever you feel fear coming up, is perhaps not the most loving or efficient way to deal with your fears.
Healthy interdependence means you take care of each of you together. That means that you are responsible for your own needs, boundaries and fears, and can ask for support from your partner. That means that your partner is responsible for their own needs, boundaries and fears, and can ask for support from you.