Finding out your partner hasn’t been honest with you, can shake your world and crumble the very foundation of your bond. To be in a relationship means to build trust and vulnerability. Lies break those down. When a lie is discovered, it becomes difficult to trust anything they’ve said. Couples who have been through an affair, are often hurt as much or even more by the lying around the affair, than the affair itself.
Discovering an important lie doesn’t just damage the past, making someone question the reality of their very own life and what they have experienced, but it can also damage the future and what and who you can trust. Maybe that is why dishonesty can seriously disjoint a relationship when discovered. The very place where you are supposed to feel safe and at home, your partner, suddenly becomes unpredictable and dangerous.
It’s a horrible feeling. So naturally we strongly insist, even demand honesty in our relationship. And when someone lies, it is tempting to take the moral high ground and to attribute a lie to a flaw of character. Most people agree that whether or not someone decides to speak the truth, is ultimately someone’s own choice. However, what we often fail to see is that the safe space in which truth can thrive, needs to be co-created. Especially in ethically open relationships, where transparency and complete honesty are absolutely crucial, we want to create a nourishing environment for the truth to be able to flourish.
What helps to create safety in ENM relationships?
Commit to seeing the good in your partner(s), and recognize that their needs are as valid as your own.
Decide that any expressed need or boundary that your partner expresses is not bad or less worthy than yours. Our partner’s needs are valid, even if they might trigger us. When conflicting needs, challenging situations or difficult emotions come up, talk about it from a place where you stand together.
Safety is nourished when you assume your partner is an inherently good and wonderful person. In supporting our partner(s) to share their truths without judgement, we create safety. Celebrate your partner for being open with you.
Own your own needs and triggers, and ask for clear support.
Make an effort to not lash out, punish, or blame your partner(s) for sharing their truths. If jealousy, anger, insecurities or fear arise when you hear about your partner’s desires, commit to finding out what your feelings might reveal.
It could reflect:
– something within yourself that needs to be taken care of, that might indicate a deeper lying pain or insecurity that needs attention. You could become aware of any potential reactivity that comes up, and instead take the invitation to get to the bottom of your feelings. Often what people really need is the reassurance that they are still loved by their partner, special to them, and seen by them. Try to recognize and ask clearly for the support you might need in dealing with your feelings.
– However, your feeling might also reveal a valid boundary or rule you want to uphold. Your partner might desire something that is not in line with what you wish to invite into your life, which would be completely legitimate. If this is the case, you could perhaps openly express your needs, knowing that both your and your partner’s needs are equally valid and deserving of space and respect.
Regardless of what your feeling represents, it is most safe if they are interpreted as your needs, rather than being a judgement about your partner.
Everybody always has the right to step away from a relationship or situation that is no longer serving them. Your boundaries are important and deserve to be communicated and upheld. At the same time, safety is optimized when we don’t use our jealousy or insecurity as a stick to hit our partner(s) with, nor use our feelings as justification to control our partner’s actions.
Nourish the courage to speak the truth, even when it is really, really scary.
Sharing something that you know your partner might dislike can be very scary. They might decide that what you want in life is not for them. They might leave.
Respect and love your partner(s) enough to allow them to make fully informed decisions. Your partner deserves to know what they’re signing up for. You both deserve to be accepted and loved just as you are.
Trust that even if you would break up: it will give you both a chance to attract the situations and people that resonate with you best.
True intimacy comes from being able to show yourself completely to another person, and having them see and celebrate you completely as you are.
Lying, or omitting parts of yourself or the truth from your partner, therefore corrodes the intimacy between you by definition. Safety is created when we lovingly support our partner(s) to express and share themselves with us fully, without judgement.
I will not omit truths from you that I know are relevant to you, because I honour your autonomy, respect your right to make informed decisions, and trust that even if we break up: both you and I will find the situations and people that resonate with us best. I will not let my fear of losing you, corrupt the truth that exists between us. I know that true intimacy comes from being able to show yourself completely to another person, and having them see and accept you as you are fully.